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UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Updated: Jan 26, 2019

“Today I’ll be a better version of the me I was yesterday, but nowhere near the version of who I’ll be tomorrow. Today I’m under construction.”


The alarm clock buzzes incessantly for the fifth snooze cycle. I contemplate ignoring it again but the elbow to my shoulder says my husband thinks 45 minutes is enough, so I turn off the alarm and tell myself not to close my eyes again. I ignore myself briefly, close my eyes, and let out a deep sigh and think about today’s list. Today’s reasons why hiding under the covers would be a giant waste of amazing productivity and eventual moments of genius.


Every day it’s the same. Today will be different. Today I’ll begin the diet and the exercise program. Today I’ll make the annual doctor appointments I’m 3 months late on. Today I’ll keep my cool. I’ll be patient, I’ll be positive and I’ll be present. Today I’ll finish all the day’s to-do list and maybe some of tomorrow’s.


I have the best of intentions in those minutes before the day actually begins.


I roll on my side against my aching back’s objections. With both feet on the floor and imaginary pompoms in hand, I cheer myself off the bed. Give me an S-T-A-N-D annnnnndddd…. stand. UGH. That took longer than it should for my 41 years.


I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror of my still dark bedroom as the light from the alarm clock casts a bluish glow. “HOLY HELL! I look like the Winter Warlock,” I whisper-laugh and then throw my hand over my mouth hoping not to wake up my husband. After 22 years I know he’d laugh with me, not at me, but still. He doesn’t need to see this and I don’t need to imagine his eyes say what I’m thinking in this very moment…“how the hell is this what she’s become?”


I’m horrified but I go with it as Winter Warlock hits the play button of my mind’s Spotify and I sing along to the tune playing in my head.


"Put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor”


With the emptying of the 3-babies-later bladder, good morning teeth brushing, and water on the never ending fly-aways of my kinky, curly, matted mess of a bed head – I’m ready. Shoulders back (not too far ‘cause that hurts this early) and I’m ready. For coffee. YES! Coffee. I imagine declaring, “Coffee, give me life!”


SON OF A BITCH! We’re out of coffee.


And so it begins. The many little moments that will inevitably get in the way of today’s new beginnings. The moments that drag me back to yesterday’s impatience and yesterday’s excuses. The weight of the knowledge that I’m defeated and exhausted.


“Put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor”


I settle for a hot shower and the scalding water relaxes my shoulders long enough for me to take a deep breath. A few minutes of self reflection…


I look in the steamed over mirror. The blur makes my reflection ghost-like. It has been one hell of a couple of years. Loss. A lot of loss. So much loss. The kind of loss that changes a person. It’s no wonder this is who I am now. Sometimes unrecognizable.


“Put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor”


The steam begins to clear. I look deep into my own eyes. A few minutes of self-reflection…

It’s been one hell of a couple of years. Gains. A lot of gains. So many gains. I’m a different person but not so different. I smile and there she is - my old pal.


I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I think about today’s list. Today will be different. Today I’ll be kind to myself. Today I’ll choose happy. Today I’ll choose grateful. Today I’ll finish last week’s to-do list and maybe start today’s.


Today I’ll be a better version of the me I was yesterday, but nowhere near the version of who I’ll be tomorrow. Today I’m under construction.


I have the best of intentions as the day begins.